It has been quite awhile since I last posted. Lots has changed in my recovery as I am now taking Valium since my medical detox went awry and I was left in a perpetual state of withdrawals that left me with tremors and twitches in my face.
Everything changed a couple weeks ago when I saw a new psychiatrist who knew before she met me that I wouldn't be okay. She had read my medical history and was sure there was no way I could have detoxed off of Xanax in a fourteen day medical detox.
To say I wasn't right was an understatement of the grandest proportions. I was unable to think in complete sentences, my face was distorted with my eyes being unequal with one slanted downward that twitched every time I tried to smile my newly crooked smile. Looking at pictures from six months ago, I looked nothing like the picture.
I was unable to speak, write, and communicate in anyway possible. It was the most frightening time in my life.
Two weeks ago on a rainy Saturday, I went to meet with a new psychiatrist after my daughter, Bella, ran a road race. My ex-wife took me to the appointment and as usual I was skeptical. Upon meeting the new psychiatrist I was floored by her seemingly flat, non emotive demeanor. We proceeded to her office and she stared at her computer typing and asking me small talk questions. She told me she had read my history and much to my flat out shock she told me she specialized in benzo withdrawals. I knew nothing about her previously and this seemed too good to be true.
She went on to say that after twelve plus years on Xanax there was no way I could come off Xanax in a fourteen day medical detox. She went on to describe a book called Benzo Blues and went on to talk about all this research done in Europe regarding benzos and coming off of them.
Lisa is my psychiatrist's name and she went on to tell me I had two choices: to go to the one hospital in the country that offered an IV treatment of fluoxetine or to go on or a long acting benzo like Valium for the long term and taper off of that over time. My eyes welled up with tears as I realized this person understood my pain and was willing to help me.
I haven't written about my problems in recovery because they have been so crippling and made me unable to write in any coherent manner that resembled writing that looked like something I would have written. This nightmare odyssey has been more than I can handle and I felt I was disfigured for life with cognitive deficits that impaired me beyond my wildest nightmares.
For starters, my face was contorted in a twisted fashion with my eyes being uneven and my mouth extending further on one side. My eyes had a vacant, zombie look to them that made it so people didn't want to look at me. Coupled with my shuffling walk and arm that hung down and swung aimlessly I was an unspeakable sight and I that I was not able to write about. Living with these maladies was torture enough without actualizing them through writing.
The saddest part was I lost the ability to write openly and freely without pause. I couldn't think in full sentences never mind write in full flowing thoughts. It has been weeks or close to a month since I last tried to write or post a blog.
Everyone has kept telling me this would all get better but I knew it was permanent and never thought I would be put on Valium to help augment with the symptoms. Lisa, my psychiatrist, wants to hear from me in the next few days to see how I am doing and to see if I need to go up on my dose of Valium to completely eradicate the withdrawals. I think I am doing pretty well, although I still have slight withdrawals that might be adjusted with an increased dose in Valium.
This medical detox from Xanax has been nothing short of a science experiment gone wrong with me. The abrupt nature of the medical detox where Xanax was just whipped away cold-turkey and replaced with a phenobarbital taper was jarring and on top of the Xanax withdrawals I experience phenobarbital withdrawals in the short run as well. I have talked to people who said the phenobarbital withdrawals are worse in the short-run than the Xanax withdrawals.
I am relieved today but scared as the Valium is just a taper and not a permanent replacement until I start to make my case....yes I will make my case to go back on Xanax at a later date. My body is too reliant on it and does not function properly off of it clearly.
I have been taking the Valium less than ten days and already there are huge improvements in my physical and cognitive abilities. Stephanie, my fiancée, and my ex-wife have both noticed the difference in me as have the people at the support club where I go for meetings. My blood pressure has come way down, and I needn't take all the anti-hyper intensive medications I was on. I have wanted to write for a few days now, something I had no interest in doing before because the thoughts and the words were not there.
It is frightening when you lose the ability to write and speak when it once came so naturally. I ruminate over my decision to go in-patient for the medical detox as the fallout has been so cumbersome and so extreme in its after affects. I am resigned that the journey back to medication will not be easy or without peril as part of the road I must travel. The medical establishment has cultivated an attitude that benzos are bad and are abused by doctors writing the scripts and patients willingly taking the prescriptions.
I sit here in the early morning, calm and relaxed as well as sharp in my thinking and processing. I haven't taken any Valium this morning but will do so in just a little bit. My dosage is high because of the conversion from Xanax to Valium. I am taking 25mg three times a day as my 10 mg dose of Xanax equated to 100 mg of Valium a day. My insurance would not cover it nor would the pharmacy let me pay for it out of pocket, so I had to go to a community center pharmacy where they would fill it. Hopefully as time goes on, I will get switched to Xanax and my insurance will pick it up again.
I look forward to writing again and will post again today. I apologize for my long hiatus but the words sadly were not there.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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