I am up at in the early morning hours of this Thursday after heading to bed early in despair over the current state of my affairs. I am feeling somewhat better however I am still troubled and plagued by the withdrawals of my medical detox.
I started a protocol of Valium just about a week ago when I saw a new psychiatrist who diagnosed me with excruciating withdrawals which were the residual of a medical detox gone awry after a phenobarbital taper. I was honest in the hospital during the detox that my body was breaking from the detox and my words went unheeded by all the medical professionals in charge of my care. No one would listen to the screaming of my physical body from the abrupt stoppage of Xanax and Adderall after over twelve years of chronic use as prescribed by board certified psychiatrists.
A week into this Valium protocol I am feeling somewhat better but think my dose is still too low and the withdrawals are still rearing their ugly heads as I try to master each day as a somewhat normal person. Gone is the vacant stare in my eyes which had people not looking at me in the eyes and making them uncomfortable to talk to me.
Nothing is worse than knowing you are off and other people recognize it and react to you accordingly in a way that is off putting and stand-offish in a manner that says, "You are crazy and I know it." I lived through these times and these stares and grimaces and I pray I never have to live through them again. My eyes were always dilated and they never blinked-they just stared through people with a wild, far away look that spoke volumes that I was off-center. I was aware of my affect and couldn't change it, try as I might to look normal.
My physical manifestations weren't just in my eyes, they were in my gait, the way I carried my body, and even in the way I spoke. I shuffled when I walked and my arms swung along my sides haphazardly in a flinging motion. My voice which was always pleasant became monotone and flat in its affect with my mouth contorting on one side that was drooping leaving me with a crooked smile that made my eye slant and droop and crunch up whenever I tried to put on a halfway smile.
I was a sad case of medicine gone wrong, but even sadder that I hadn't lost my mind and knew exactly what I looked like to other people and to myself. I was keenly aware of people who wouldn't make eye contact with me and shied away from my usual pleasant face and demeanor.
The physical manifestations lent themselves to me questioning my mind and my right senses. I began to worry that I was losing my mind and slipping into the off-centered person I presented to the world. I cried loudly on the inside, but I couldn't articulate anymore and had lost the ability to advocate for myself. My self esteem plummeted and I became scared that my physical maladies were becoming my new limited mental capacities.
If it wasn't for this one doctor who diagnosed my withdrawals for what they were I don't want to think where I was heading to ending up. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy of mind over matter. I saw a primary care doctor who thought I was okay and that my fallout from detox was normal and acceptable. It wasn't until I started with a new primary care doctor three weeks ago, who saw a glimpse of the real me inside the mayhem of madness of detox that I was escalated the very next day to a new psychiatrist who as you already know diagnosed me properly.
I am so very grateful but remained fearful that I need Xanax or Valium to maintain my homeostasis. I presently am getting acclimated to the new dose of Valium and need to figure out if the dose is enough to quell the withdrawals and bring me as close to normal as possible. Once the appropriate dose of Valium is determined the plan is for me to taper down off the Valium and come off of it hopefully without any withdrawals.
My fear is that I need Xanax to function properly and as normally as possible. The Valium taper is a scary prospect to me as I just find myself inching back to normality. I look forward to meeting with my psychiatrist again and discussing my fears and apprehensions with her. I know I will look like an addict seeking drugs but my present history reveals much more than an addict's cry for more drugs.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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