It is a few minutes before 1 am in the morning on Saturday morning. A year ago I would be sitting here juiced up on Adderall and coffee blogging away in a drugged induced haze of euphoria that was commonplace every day of the week. I would ride the high of the Adderall for 4-6 hours and then come down with my first dose of Xanax for the day.
Funny thing is I did realize at the time what a great gig I had going on at the time. The number of various pills was staggering and all were medically prescribed and I adhered to the prescriptions accordingly. I would spend the early morning hours tapped out on the mental steroid of Adderall and power my way through the wee hours writing or doing school work so hyper-focused that time just flew by and I hardly realized the time that elapsed during the first six hours of the new day.
I was so happy with my pills: uppers to start the morning and downers to compliment the uppers as they wore off and began to cause me grief with my central nervous system. I was comforted by my bottles of pills with recurring refills without any questions asked and the high dosages of pills was something that my doctors had determined many years earlier.
This medical detox of speedsplatt proportions has been nothing short of a head slam into a concrete wall. My body and mind has been jolted into a realm of unsavory side effects that most medical professionals have decided to ignore for the betterment of pharmaceutical detox at all costs no matter how long or how well I responded to the heavy duty drug regime I was enlisted in by the very white-coated doctors I trusted many years ago when I first embarked on this prescription odyssey.
Sitting here this early morning I miss the Adderall and the speedball affect of chasing it with Xanax hours later. I had the perfect gig going and yes I knew it at the time. I am hopeful to get back on the Adderall when I see the doctor again in a couple of weeks when we review how I am doing on the Valium taper I now am on to augment the medical detox on phenobarbital to get off of Xanax.
I am quite sure as I sit here I will find another doctor to prescribe both Xanax and Adderall again. It is only a matter of time that I find a doctor or I should say I get an appointment with a doctor I know who will give me the scripts I want to continue as a productive member of society.
This medical detox has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I am swiftly seeking to put an end to it as soon as possible with insurance and aligning with the right doctors.
I am finally to the point where I am out of bed and motivated to get organized and take care of my responsibilities that have been put on the back burner for months as I laid in my bed writhing in delirious withdrawals and side effects from the abrupt absence of drugs my body was used to ingesting for the past twelve years.
It has been almost exactly two months since I was discharged from the hospital following my phenobarbital taper off of Xanax. I have organized my house, taken care of significant paperwork, cleared out clutter and duplicitous belongings I had collected over the years, and worked with school to gather the requisite paperwork necessary to return to school and classes in the fall.
I have made immense strides in just two months since leaving the hospital. The day and the days immediately following my discharge from the hospital I was better than the days and weeks that followed and the real withdrawals settled into my bones and brain. I was seen by a team of visiting nurses for the first month following my discharge, and those days were some of the worst moments I have lived to talked about. It wasn't until the last three weeks with the help of my family that I got myself motivated, started believing in myself again, and started organizing my home with the help of Stephanie. We thought about moving for a change of scenery but with my daughter, Bella, still in the Dover school district, we opted to stay put.
I romanticize about the days of on-going scripts and refills and the satisfaction I had from taking the Adderall and combination of Xanax. I am struggling this morning with finding my mojo to continue forward in my writing and in the organization I have started around the house this early morning. I am motivated in spirit but my mind and body are slow to follow and toss up road blocks that impede my ability to progress forward with determination and conviction.
What once was a playground of pills and merriment is now gone and the desolate bareness of my medicine cabinet reflects the dullness of my mind and spirit as I try to muster the energy to move ahead with day's responsibilities.
I might go to the store and purchase a coffee in hopes of bringing back some of the adrenaline of yesterdays gone past. I am flat in affect but my eyes are bright and my spirit is trepidatious without the effects of medication to alter my personality and propel me into the next dimension I seek to explore.
Questions of what if I don't find my way back to the medication, or what will become of me without medicinal fortification enter my psyche and cast shadows of doubts on my already fragile mind rocked by the absence of concoctions.
I believe I will head to the store in hopes of buying some relief in energy to push me forward into the dawn of the morning before the sun comes up and all is lost on this night that I wasted in vain wishing for times that no longer exist and yet seem so close to my reality.
I have broken down for the first time and gone to the 24 hour store and purchased five-hour energy cocktails. I have Adderall in the house but I don't dare take it now that I am on the Valium regime and can be subjected to drug screenings and pill counts. Oh how I want the feeling of an Adderall in my brain, making everything perfect and nothing out of the realm of possibility. Only Adderall has this affect and one that I will relish for a lifetime.
During the past two weeks we have contemplated moving abruptly to a new place and leaving this old life behind us. We have embarked in a frenzy of activity and de-cluttering as well as culling out clothes, shoes, books, jackets and lots of needless paperwork which I had held onto for far too long and just needed to trash. Last week alone on trash day, I tossed out over 9 large trash bags of just stuff, taking up room in closets and on shelves and in drawers.
I need to revel in the amazing trajectory of the last two months since my discharge from the hospital. If I can with the help of Stephanie make the strides I have both physically as well as peripherally I must have high hopes for the near future and the months and next few years to come. I single-handedly broke down the myriad of obstacles facing my well-being and methodically alleviated one item at a time starting with my physical well-being.
All this started with a new primary care doctor who referred me to a new psychiatrist who saw me the very next day. I was happy, but shocked that my situation could be so bad that I warranted a next day appointment on a Saturday, nonetheless. After meeting with the new psychiatrist and being understood and my pain validated, I was more than inspired to tackle the other obstacles in my life one line item at a time.
Through all of this upheaval, the best and most important situation has been the blossoming relationship with my daughter, Bella. My illness and hospitalization in early March, then my subsequent slow road to well during the latter part of March into May, has been hard on my relationship with Bella as I did not want her to worry or parentalize me as she needs to be a child without worries about her parent. We have been growing in new and beautiful ways with weekend get togethers and Sunday dinners and working on school projects where my muddied mind has been graciously clear enough to add significant value to her projects which have resulted in near 100 grades. The work was all Bella's but I infused my ideas in the way of concepts and conceptualizations for project development for various subjects. I have felt like a "real" parent for the first time in a long time.
Today I will attend a morning support meeting and then have a business meeting later this afternoon for a new endeavor I just might undertake. It is a surprising opportunity that I would be hard pressed to turn up if everything aligns correctly.
The 5-hour energy supplement kicked in and I took my puglet, Julia Bleu, for a walk and got some more things organized. I am upbeat about the future with this new Valium regime, hopefully it will eventually turn back into Xanax once it is determined that my body is in desperate need of it for maintenance.
Heading to the support club shortly to work on the computer and print out some paper work I am unable to print here at home.
The early morning went quite fast and I am feeling equipped to make the most of the day and push forward with a new adgenda that has me stepping outside my comfort zone for the first time in a long time.
Here is to 5-hour energy supplements which were just what the doctor ordered by way of Corey Britton's desires.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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