Today is a day I am struggling to get by.....the winds of addiction are strong and gusty. I aim to steer myself in a direction other than bed and sleep. Sort of like the disconnect I experienced while on dry goods.
The fight is real and hard to say the least. I am befuddled at the swiftness and the turn in the tides. Just a few days ago my mind was clear and mending-last night and today I have experienced major setbacks.
The pain is gnawing like a tooth needing to be pulled. Just like a bad tooth, I fear the consequences of such a demise in my recovery. Using is not an option which makes things even worse. I must rise above the anguish and put out the fire of seeming defeat and desire to return to my old ways of yesterday.
I am reminded recovery is so delicate and fragile-I am finding strength in the fact the streets are not an option for this addict. I wonder does this make me less of an addict or a sucker for pain and suffering? Alcohol does nothing positive for me so it is not even an option to quell my demons of NOW.
Why this turn in my recovery? Where did I run astray or go wrong in my practice? Is this a natural monster every addict must face at one or more times in their recovery?
Seven months into this new way of living and I feel licked; cut off at the knees. Is more recovery based therapy necessary? Do I have potholes in my comeback from pharmaceuticals? I do know what doctor to go to in order to get my fix however, I resist the temptation for reasons I do not understand.
Is this an unseeming strength in my newbie recovery? Am I finally fighting the fight that every successful addict in recovery fights?
The answers are unknown however, the bed and sleep beckon me to the edge of oblivion. If only for a few hours of peace without mayhem and internal unrest.
There is no one I want to speak with in terms of what ails me. Whatever my Truth I must face it alone. I know this isolation all to well from active addiction. The feeling is somewhat surprisingly comforting,
Me at my computer, home at last with my words. I pray tomorrow brings a dose of necessary serenity I once held so fast.
For today I must hold tight and weather the storm, like a fisherman at sea unwilling to succumb. I have bought homoepathic flu medication to aid in my discomfort I pray will pass sometime in the night.
I am scared of tomorrow but excited for this moment to pass. I cannot continue in the state I am in as it threatens all of me and consumes my mind and body.
No matter what tomorrow brings, sleep is my friend from the lonely desperation I feel in my soul.
To all of you struggling, you are not alone. Today this addict joins you in the fight for your life. My well-being must survive no matter the pain.
I join you in this whirlwind of want and discomfort. I know this is part of the journey of recovery, although I believed I was different and wouldn't need to fight this fight.
I am here, I am with you, no matter what tomorrow brings for you or even myself. I am changed and will not forget this moment nor will I ever think I am different and spared the chaos that recovery brings.
COREY
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
Friday, October 27, 2017
Tunnel Vision
I just celebrated seven months of sobriety last week. I pray these next six months of recovery bring the physical healing which I am needing to see to get to well. I am still "off" physically with slow motions, a bit of a far away stare in my eyes, and a less than stellar physical appearance.
Sadly my early morning recovery meeting is sort of stale-I do wonder if it is my recovery as a whole is starting to suffer. My spiritual condition is less than optimum and my relationship with my sponsor is not going so great due to her age and well-being.
I am determined in my recovery to stay clean and get my head on straight with the help of meditation, reading, and writing.
For the first time in my recovery, I am struggling in my mental clarity. Feelings of overwhelmingness and despair fill my head and dance a harsh dance on my fragile mind.
Desperate thoughts of what next? How do I pick up the pieces of my shattered life-play reckless havoc on my psyche as serenity has abandoned me and left me nekkid in constant worry.
I know if I get back to my recovery principles and practice them over and over again, I will regain my precious serenity and PEACE which currently elude me and my well-being.
I am up early going back to my morning meeting which saved my life only seven short months ago, bringing me hope and a path in which to navigate the myriad of incomplete, bleak, and dark as black coffee feelings I harbored in my early days of recovery.
Stephanie and I are heading with my family to a barrier island in Florida where my parents live for Thanksgiving. We are both looking forward to the getaway and a change of scenery from everyday life and the mundane. We are going for ten days, and plan to spend as much time on the beach and in the sun and sand as possible.
Today is a particularly hard day. I am down, have very low energy and feel overall malaise. I am doing my best to press through it but it is difficult and wants to send me right to bed at 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I wonder if I am getting depressed for the first time in my life or if it is just a recalibration of my body and mind in the next phase of recovery.
I am sad and feel stress about moving beyond recovery and into a productive life where I am doing what I do best and excelling at whatever I chose to do.
Right now I find solace in bed, and refuse to eat so that I can drop the last of the weight I gained in recovery. Right now I am just off, and think probably some rest is exactly what I need to move forward.
I hope to write tomorrow with a more upbeat post but being honest about where I am at, at this moment is important.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
Sadly my early morning recovery meeting is sort of stale-I do wonder if it is my recovery as a whole is starting to suffer. My spiritual condition is less than optimum and my relationship with my sponsor is not going so great due to her age and well-being.
I am determined in my recovery to stay clean and get my head on straight with the help of meditation, reading, and writing.
For the first time in my recovery, I am struggling in my mental clarity. Feelings of overwhelmingness and despair fill my head and dance a harsh dance on my fragile mind.
Desperate thoughts of what next? How do I pick up the pieces of my shattered life-play reckless havoc on my psyche as serenity has abandoned me and left me nekkid in constant worry.
I know if I get back to my recovery principles and practice them over and over again, I will regain my precious serenity and PEACE which currently elude me and my well-being.
I am up early going back to my morning meeting which saved my life only seven short months ago, bringing me hope and a path in which to navigate the myriad of incomplete, bleak, and dark as black coffee feelings I harbored in my early days of recovery.
Stephanie and I are heading with my family to a barrier island in Florida where my parents live for Thanksgiving. We are both looking forward to the getaway and a change of scenery from everyday life and the mundane. We are going for ten days, and plan to spend as much time on the beach and in the sun and sand as possible.
Today is a particularly hard day. I am down, have very low energy and feel overall malaise. I am doing my best to press through it but it is difficult and wants to send me right to bed at 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I wonder if I am getting depressed for the first time in my life or if it is just a recalibration of my body and mind in the next phase of recovery.
I am sad and feel stress about moving beyond recovery and into a productive life where I am doing what I do best and excelling at whatever I chose to do.
Right now I find solace in bed, and refuse to eat so that I can drop the last of the weight I gained in recovery. Right now I am just off, and think probably some rest is exactly what I need to move forward.
I hope to write tomorrow with a more upbeat post but being honest about where I am at, at this moment is important.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Clarity
I am very happy to report that U-ME is stronger than ever. Stephanie and I are so happy and so in love! She and I are madly in love and my sobriety has just brought us closer.
We celebrated my birthday again last night with my parents, ex-wife, and my daughter. U-ME celebrated my birthday Saturday night in downtown Portsmouth. Lots of presents and cakes. My ex-wife made me two upside down pineapple cakes which were a real treat.
Saturday I attended two recovery meetings, and got just that much closer to 7 months of recovery. A week from today, I celebrate 7 months of recovery and I can not believe how fast it is going.
I am giving myself one year from my sobriety date (03/18/17) to get well and heal my body and mind. A lot of physical problems were left after my initial recovery and with each month that passes I am getting better and my physical ailments are dissipating.
My withdrawals have ebbed, and all the shakes, twitches, and tremors have passed-THANKFULLY. It was a murderous time those first three months when I realty wasn't right and I brought new meaning to the word "OFF."
I am still battling weight issues, as my anorexia has kicked in and reared its ugly head as only it can do. I am still losing the weight I gained in recovery, but inch ever closer to my ideal weight for me.
I hope to return to school in January, but will take my time until March when I celebrate one year of recovery.
Stephanie and I are getting a roommate to fill up an empty bedroom on one of the upper floors. We will be heading to Florida for Thanksgiving in late November with my daughter and ex-wife.
I am getting ready to return to blogging daily very soon, and will blogging about daily life and other subjects other than recovery as they arise.
Recovery is a main focal point of my life at this time but that is slowly evening out to be more reasonable than it has been. I have been just attending one meeting during the week this week and that is enough as I work the steps with my sponsor. I know lots of people don't believe in the twelve steps but for me they are a good groundwork for everyday living as well as recovery.
Today we show the room available to rent to our first person. Later today another person is coming by and then tomorrow another person is coming and finally on Friday another person is coming by to look at the room. It is a really great deal for the right person and for us as well. Hopefully we will find the right match and they will move in for November 1st.
I have to start getting up at 1 am again like I did when I took Adderall. I sleep a lot now due to recovery as I need my rest, and find myself sleeping quite a bit.
Hopefully I will return to this blog regularly in the very near future.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
We celebrated my birthday again last night with my parents, ex-wife, and my daughter. U-ME celebrated my birthday Saturday night in downtown Portsmouth. Lots of presents and cakes. My ex-wife made me two upside down pineapple cakes which were a real treat.
Saturday I attended two recovery meetings, and got just that much closer to 7 months of recovery. A week from today, I celebrate 7 months of recovery and I can not believe how fast it is going.
I am giving myself one year from my sobriety date (03/18/17) to get well and heal my body and mind. A lot of physical problems were left after my initial recovery and with each month that passes I am getting better and my physical ailments are dissipating.
My withdrawals have ebbed, and all the shakes, twitches, and tremors have passed-THANKFULLY. It was a murderous time those first three months when I realty wasn't right and I brought new meaning to the word "OFF."
I am still battling weight issues, as my anorexia has kicked in and reared its ugly head as only it can do. I am still losing the weight I gained in recovery, but inch ever closer to my ideal weight for me.
I hope to return to school in January, but will take my time until March when I celebrate one year of recovery.
Stephanie and I are getting a roommate to fill up an empty bedroom on one of the upper floors. We will be heading to Florida for Thanksgiving in late November with my daughter and ex-wife.
I am getting ready to return to blogging daily very soon, and will blogging about daily life and other subjects other than recovery as they arise.
Recovery is a main focal point of my life at this time but that is slowly evening out to be more reasonable than it has been. I have been just attending one meeting during the week this week and that is enough as I work the steps with my sponsor. I know lots of people don't believe in the twelve steps but for me they are a good groundwork for everyday living as well as recovery.
Today we show the room available to rent to our first person. Later today another person is coming by and then tomorrow another person is coming and finally on Friday another person is coming by to look at the room. It is a really great deal for the right person and for us as well. Hopefully we will find the right match and they will move in for November 1st.
I have to start getting up at 1 am again like I did when I took Adderall. I sleep a lot now due to recovery as I need my rest, and find myself sleeping quite a bit.
Hopefully I will return to this blog regularly in the very near future.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Be The Change!
Yesterday was my 41st birthday. My first birthday in twelve years without pharmaceuticals or alcohol.
I was so happy to wake up into a new birthday yesterday clear-minded and drug free as I started my birthday with well wishes and a recovery meeting!
I had an amazing day with well wishes and going out to dinner with my family. This weekend I will celebrate my birthday with Stephanie and my ex-wife and my daughter Bella. I saw all of them last night
Recovery is so fucking amazing as my physical wellness improves daily and my spiritual and mental wellness are improving at another rate as I digest the readings and take in the meetings daily.
My weight is dropping as my anorexia is rearing its ugly head once again. I gained nearly 20 pounds during detox and have lost most of it now as I restrict my food intake.
U-ME is going strong, and enjoying our new life together in my sobriety. Stephanie is very supportive of every aspect of my recovery and doesn't mind me attending any of the meetings I choose to attend. Recovery meetings give me the opportunity to talk with fellow addicts and share and listen to their stories and climb out of the cellar. Nobody shares the exact same story but their is always something to learn from a fellow addict. The newcomer is just as important as the person with years of sobriety. Everyone has something to share and offer to every meeting. I have never attended a bad meeting. There is something always to learn from each story or share between one addict to another. I have never not learned something new at a meeting I have attended. I have shared my entire story once, but am really not ready to share my story with a room full of fellow recoverers.
I remain grounded in my recovery and free of all mind altering chemicals besides caffeine. I still drink a cup of coffee or two but that is it for this Corey. I cant say enough about my recovery. It was extremely hard and almost impossible during detox with the withdrawals but now it is more about recovery rather than survival. I felt at the beginning my body was breaking but now the physical pain as dissipated and recovery is filled with happy, joyous and free feelings.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
I was so happy to wake up into a new birthday yesterday clear-minded and drug free as I started my birthday with well wishes and a recovery meeting!
I had an amazing day with well wishes and going out to dinner with my family. This weekend I will celebrate my birthday with Stephanie and my ex-wife and my daughter Bella. I saw all of them last night
Recovery is so fucking amazing as my physical wellness improves daily and my spiritual and mental wellness are improving at another rate as I digest the readings and take in the meetings daily.
My weight is dropping as my anorexia is rearing its ugly head once again. I gained nearly 20 pounds during detox and have lost most of it now as I restrict my food intake.
U-ME is going strong, and enjoying our new life together in my sobriety. Stephanie is very supportive of every aspect of my recovery and doesn't mind me attending any of the meetings I choose to attend. Recovery meetings give me the opportunity to talk with fellow addicts and share and listen to their stories and climb out of the cellar. Nobody shares the exact same story but their is always something to learn from a fellow addict. The newcomer is just as important as the person with years of sobriety. Everyone has something to share and offer to every meeting. I have never attended a bad meeting. There is something always to learn from each story or share between one addict to another. I have never not learned something new at a meeting I have attended. I have shared my entire story once, but am really not ready to share my story with a room full of fellow recoverers.
I remain grounded in my recovery and free of all mind altering chemicals besides caffeine. I still drink a cup of coffee or two but that is it for this Corey. I cant say enough about my recovery. It was extremely hard and almost impossible during detox with the withdrawals but now it is more about recovery rather than survival. I felt at the beginning my body was breaking but now the physical pain as dissipated and recovery is filled with happy, joyous and free feelings.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
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