I just celebrated seven months of sobriety last week. I pray these next six months of recovery bring the physical healing which I am needing to see to get to well. I am still "off" physically with slow motions, a bit of a far away stare in my eyes, and a less than stellar physical appearance.
Sadly my early morning recovery meeting is sort of stale-I do wonder if it is my recovery as a whole is starting to suffer. My spiritual condition is less than optimum and my relationship with my sponsor is not going so great due to her age and well-being.
I am determined in my recovery to stay clean and get my head on straight with the help of meditation, reading, and writing.
For the first time in my recovery, I am struggling in my mental clarity. Feelings of overwhelmingness and despair fill my head and dance a harsh dance on my fragile mind.
Desperate thoughts of what next? How do I pick up the pieces of my shattered life-play reckless havoc on my psyche as serenity has abandoned me and left me nekkid in constant worry.
I know if I get back to my recovery principles and practice them over and over again, I will regain my precious serenity and PEACE which currently elude me and my well-being.
I am up early going back to my morning meeting which saved my life only seven short months ago, bringing me hope and a path in which to navigate the myriad of incomplete, bleak, and dark as black coffee feelings I harbored in my early days of recovery.
Stephanie and I are heading with my family to a barrier island in Florida where my parents live for Thanksgiving. We are both looking forward to the getaway and a change of scenery from everyday life and the mundane. We are going for ten days, and plan to spend as much time on the beach and in the sun and sand as possible.
Today is a particularly hard day. I am down, have very low energy and feel overall malaise. I am doing my best to press through it but it is difficult and wants to send me right to bed at 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I wonder if I am getting depressed for the first time in my life or if it is just a recalibration of my body and mind in the next phase of recovery.
I am sad and feel stress about moving beyond recovery and into a productive life where I am doing what I do best and excelling at whatever I chose to do.
Right now I find solace in bed, and refuse to eat so that I can drop the last of the weight I gained in recovery. Right now I am just off, and think probably some rest is exactly what I need to move forward.
I hope to write tomorrow with a more upbeat post but being honest about where I am at, at this moment is important.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2K17
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