Struggle

Today is a day I am struggling to get by.....the winds of addiction are strong and gusty. I aim to steer myself in a direction other than bed and sleep. Sort of like the disconnect I experienced while on dry goods.

The fight is real and hard to say the least. I am befuddled at the swiftness and the turn in the tides. Just a few days ago my mind was clear and mending-last night and today I have experienced major setbacks.

The pain is gnawing like a tooth needing to be pulled. Just like a bad tooth, I fear the consequences of such a demise in my recovery. Using is not an option which makes things even worse. I must rise above the anguish and put out the fire of seeming defeat and desire to return to my old ways of yesterday.

I am reminded recovery is so delicate and fragile-I am finding strength in the fact the streets are not an option for this addict. I wonder does this make me less of an addict or a sucker for pain and suffering? Alcohol does nothing positive for me so it is not even an option to quell my demons of NOW.

Why this turn in my recovery? Where did I run astray or go wrong in my practice? Is this a natural monster every addict must face at one or more times in their recovery?

Seven months into this new way of living and I feel licked; cut off at the knees. Is more recovery based therapy necessary? Do I have potholes in my comeback from pharmaceuticals? I do know what doctor to go to in order to get my fix however, I resist the temptation for reasons I do not understand.

Is this an unseeming strength in my newbie recovery? Am I finally fighting the fight that every successful addict in recovery fights?

The answers are unknown however, the bed and sleep beckon me to the edge of oblivion. If only for a few hours of peace without mayhem and internal unrest.

There is no one I want to speak with in terms of what ails me. Whatever my Truth I must face it alone. I know this isolation all to well from active addiction. The feeling is somewhat surprisingly comforting,

Me at my computer, home at last with my words. I pray tomorrow brings a dose of necessary serenity I once held so fast.

For today I must hold tight and weather the storm, like a fisherman at sea unwilling to succumb. I have bought homoepathic flu medication to aid in my discomfort I pray will pass sometime in the night.

I am scared of tomorrow but excited for this moment to pass. I cannot continue in the state I am in as it threatens all of me and consumes my mind and body.

No matter what tomorrow brings, sleep is my friend from the lonely desperation I feel in my soul.

To all of you struggling, you are not alone. Today this addict joins you in the fight for your life. My well-being must survive no matter the pain.

I join you in this whirlwind of want and discomfort. I know this is part of the journey of recovery, although I believed I was different and wouldn't need to fight this fight.

I am here, I am with you, no matter what tomorrow brings for you or even myself. I am changed and will not forget this moment nor will I ever think I am different and spared the chaos that recovery brings.

COREY

BORN THIS WAY-2K17