It Builds Character

Ever since I took that fall in August, I have noticed something that keeps building and building as time passes: this shit builds serious character.

I would not say I was lacking in character before, but it wasn't this type of character I am building now. Between the limited mobility, and injuries, to the pain pills, and operations, this has been a huge time of serious, hard-core character building.

I mean when you injure all four of your limbs, yet don't break your head or your back from a car wreck, the sympathy and understanding run out rather quickly. I have been left to my own when I can't change my closes or take a shower, or eat anything more than a yogurt because I couldn't cook-well things aren't personally so swell.

Stephanie is the only one who truly knows what I have lived through, and she remarked last night, that I have become softer and gentler in approach to others and situations.

I don't want to lose my edge, but I have grown in a spiritual way, that only God and the Holy Trinity could help me with.

I would have to be living in a rehab place if it wasn't for Stephanie. People care, until you need, and I get that. I used to be just like all of them. My ex wife is exceptionally hard on me, and used to help me out whatever it was, and now that Stephanie is around, she is no where to be found, and doesn't offer to help me out with anything. I asked her the other day if she could take me to the grocery store, and after a silent pause, she agreed to do it at 4 pm. I know beggars can't be choosers but I was calling at 9 am , and she knew I like and need to get things done on the early side. I swallowed my pride, and unfortunately had to ask Stephanie, who is more than happy, but I don't want to burn her out. My ex-wife says, don't burn Stephanie out, but other than pick me up from the hospital after surgery, she has offered no assistance. In fact, I have cooked for Bella, and bought take out, that all went home to my ex-wife's where she ate the take out food I bought for Bella. I am embarrassed to admit this stuff, but this is my lived reality, and I would and do anything I can to help my ex-wife. She doesn't care about me and Stephanie, she just wants me out of her life. Well I will tell you, not only writing this but living this is pure character building.

I have tried since my divorce to be a better person to her, but as the years have passed on, she is just become more removed and distant and today I find her new trick  is to accompany  Bella on her camp trips, and that gives her time in the evenings and on the weekends with Bella, and leaves me out.

I could feel bad for myself, I could cry, but now is the time to have the self-respect with my ex-wife that she never gave me and I never gave myself. I refuse to have Stephanie be my only it girl, and if this was my ex wife's friend she would be helping out all she could. So this is what character building looks like.......

It isn't pretty, and yes it hurts, but I will get through to the other side, and I am never going to look back on her again. Forget it, all done. I just called her and told her we needed to have a conversation, and the machine picked up. I told her I wasn't burning Stephanie out, and I needed to talk to her when Bella and Stephanie weren't around. Her cold and callous ways towards me are going to STOP. If that means I can't shower or change my clothes than I will survive. I am done with this horseshit treatment.  I thought I was the wrong one, the bad one in the marriage, but through therapy I learned that wasn't the case. We both failed, and she waited while she was still married to me to emotional separate so she was okay with the divorce-she actually lied to me.

I am always looking for an opportunity to change my life around for the better. Never mind, never a ride anywhere from my ex wife, I do stand in frigid weather and take cabs like everyone else.

I am not letting my guard down, in fact I might unplug my phone and it won't matter because she will not call anyway. When I have a problem, which is hardly ever, my bullying ex wife gets a bigger bad-ass  attitude.

I will not bring it up to Stephanie, I don't want her to do anything more, but I am not letting her do everything for me. I seriously will go without. It isn't about Stephanie, it is about my family being there to help out too. If they can't help, I will have to make the best of the situation as I can.

Character building is NOT "poor me", and nor do I feel like that-I am dealing with the help and resources I have and those I will utilize, and I will not use Stephanie for everything.

I am feeling the power and strength come out of my soul and I am going to be tested hard I know, but I will do this. I will keep my self-respect and my dignity, and I won't just use people because they are there like my ex wife wants me to do.

During every phase of our lives, there is a learning curve if we chose, and I chose this one out of any other's because I lack self-love and I lack-self respect, and I am going to through this arduous process of still two more surgeries, going to learn to love myself and have a bit of self-respect.

Lacking these two vital components of our lives is not attractive to myself or to others. I am not worried about others I worry what I think and what I feel towards myself, and also towards the people who truly may not care about me anymore.

I got this. The snow is going to start falling tonight, so my plans to go to school tomorrow might not work out. I will work on other things, and I will enjoy Stephanie's company not just her help. I am not sorry to my ex wife that this isn't convenient for her-what the fuck does she think it is to me and to Stephanie?

I needed to rant, I even feel like I built some seedlings of character along this writing pathway.

I am not angry nor will I be angry. My ex wife owes me nothing when all is said and done-however we were different and I wish I knew when it all changed.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2017