Easter Musings

Watching the news with 90 days in recovery, I see an ad for opiate addiction. I laugh as I didn't seek help with my opiate addiction. I went cold turkey into withdrawals. Three weeks of unharnessed hell. I wandered without knowledge. Probably better I was ignorant to my path.

Coming out the other side I must have been mad. Right into a pharmaceutical detox. Knocked out Xanax, Adderall and caffeine. Badass warrior- it is not fiction. With help from the medical community, I conquered my demons once and for all.

Today I am free with shaky legs and hands. A hurricane ran through my mind and body for weeks. I was electrical with dilated eyes that gave me a vacant stare which spooked other people as well as my dog. I feared I would have that "off" look forever. It was a look that made other people shy away from me and treat me different.  My puglet, Julia Bleu, was skittish and filled with anxiety.  Finally that "look" is gone.
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I spent Easter with Stephanie and my ex-wife and daughter. We did an Easter egg hunt at the beach and went out for ice cream followed with dinner in a restaurant. Stephanie and I followed up with an Easter dinner we made at home after I was done with my ex-wife and daughter.

It was a lot of food as my anorexia wrecked havoc on the day. I didn't eat my ice cream, I pushed my food around at the restaurant, and I picked at dinner with Stephanie. My body dysmorphia is raging as I fight to stop this run away train of anorexia. I am not even back in school yet and my anorexia is showing signs of a full-blown episode.

I have fought this eating disorder for three years and stayed out of the eating disorders hospital since December of 2014.  I experienced brief periods of recovery where my weight stabilized at a low weight but I was able to maintain it for months at a time. These periods were always followed by dips of relapse of five to ten pounds of weight loss.

Once again I am feeling like a prisoner to my own psyche and body. I have even gone as far as re-reading my favorite anorexia story about a guy who is radical and sickly inspires me to adjust my exercise higher and restrict my food intake even sharper. I  read the book daily as Stephanie looks on in sadness. I am aware of my sickness but like a true addict I still swallow the pills and ills of this monster called anorexia.

I am drowning this morning in a huge wave of mental madness that only another sick person would understand.

I am going to start my first blog entry in the Cake Is Now domain I set up the other day. My concept of Radical Will is on the tip of my tongue and oozes for attention in the most cerebral sense.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2017