It is Monday morning, U-Me attended our first Recovery Rocks event yesterday. It was a great opportunity to get involved in the recovery community.
A speaker mentioned finding God and I thought to myself these days I might not know how to find God but I know he knows how to find me,.....
It was a gorgeous April day. Finally I believe, it is safe to say we won't be getting anymore snow.
I learned and met people today affiliated with SOS recovery. The community is crazy friendly and filed with lots of programs at their center located right down the street from here. Stephanie really liked the community today and wants me to get involved with SOS. She is excited for us to participate in the organization.
This morning I am keeping the anxiety demons at bay.. Last night was very hard and causes me to fear today, particularly this afternoon. Panic is terrifying and when you mix in throat issues it is like a dream gone bad.
I thought yesterday about my plan to return to school. I am not quite sure I will be able to pull it off. My memory is slow to recall and I easily forget. Not the makings of a scholar for sure. I have this fucked up deadline in my head which gnaws at my psyche every minute of the day. My sense of accomplishment is directly tied to my return to school. I was only going to take two seminars however I might just take one programming class. I know I could do that and I would put off a full return to school until the Fall. I only have three weeks to decide so I will think on it and make the requite adjustments to my schedule.
Seriously my recovery is nothing short of amazing. Thinking back to six weeks ago when I got discharged from the hospital, I was a train wreck of huge proportions I recall a twirl of demonic experiences all centered in my acute Xanax withdrawals. I remember my psychiatrist explaining to me to me that my detox was like getting hit in the head with a baseball bat and my recovery was like recovering from a brain injury. I didn't understand what he meant but soon I was deep in Xanax withdrawals and longed to go back on Xanax and fuck this recovery bullshit. As I neared ten days into my recovery I reached the apex of physical and emotional side effects. The tremors and the electricity coupled with the constant waves of anxiety and panic made me seriously think I was OFF and not well enough to make it out of the hospital setting. I feared the absolute worst: I was going to be committed. My veins were constantly ice cold and my paranoia had me doubting my family's intentions. I will not say ever but my gut tells me I could not experience much worse.
Six weeks later I sit at my computer in breathless awe. I didn't think I was capable of such healing. My instincts tell me this is of Divine doing. You needn't believe to aknowledge my amazing comeback from toss of insanity. I worried in paranoia that everyone my life was colluding to admit me involuntarily. Nothing has frightened me more ever. The inate fear which seeped into my soul was crazy and just about unexplainable. Suffice it say,I am a firm believer in the healing properties of the human body. I used to doubt my bodily capabilities but not anymore.
I look forward with hope to each new day. Even this new bout of anxiety and panic does nothing to dim my shine. I accept this is my circus and my monkeys. I embrace my little monsters of crazy mixed with high intelligience. My mind might not be fast right now but I truly believe it will completely heal with time.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
Seriously my recovery is nothing short of amazing. Thinking back to six weeks ago when I got discharged from the hospital, I was a train wreck of huge proportions I recall a twirl of demonic experiences all centered in my acute Xanax withdrawals. I remember my psychiatrist explaining to me to me that my detox was like getting hit in the head with a baseball bat and my recovery was like recovering from a brain injury. I didn't understand what he meant but soon I was deep in Xanax withdrawals and longed to go back on Xanax and fuck this recovery bullshit. As I neared ten days into my recovery I reached the apex of physical and emotional side effects. The tremors and the electricity coupled with the constant waves of anxiety and panic made me seriously think I was OFF and not well enough to make it out of the hospital setting. I feared the absolute worst: I was going to be committed. My veins were constantly ice cold and my paranoia had me doubting my family's intentions. I will not say ever but my gut tells me I could not experience much worse.
Six weeks later I sit at my computer in breathless awe. I didn't think I was capable of such healing. My instincts tell me this is of Divine doing. You needn't believe to aknowledge my amazing comeback from toss of insanity. I worried in paranoia that everyone my life was colluding to admit me involuntarily. Nothing has frightened me more ever. The inate fear which seeped into my soul was crazy and just about unexplainable. Suffice it say,I am a firm believer in the healing properties of the human body. I used to doubt my bodily capabilities but not anymore.
I look forward with hope to each new day. Even this new bout of anxiety and panic does nothing to dim my shine. I accept this is my circus and my monkeys. I embrace my little monsters of crazy mixed with high intelligience. My mind might not be fast right now but I truly believe it will completely heal with time.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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