My chemical and spiritual transformation has happened right before her eyes. The self-inflicted pain caused many changes in me and in us. U-Me is stronger and more fortified than before. I realized a new independence free of pharmaceutical dependence. Living life without Adderall and Xanax is a road trip less travelled.
I was forced to go in-patient and deal with my pharmacological demons. I spent sixteen days undoing twelve years of dependence and crippling imprisonment. Nothing short of a medical miracle. I take no credit as I let detox happen to me as I braced through the moments of sheer terror brought on by the absence of Xanax.
I am here to say I am a badass now like never before. I thought the maniacal manic had something going on with my golden Adderall elixir but nothing compares to this state of mayhem where I choose to live drug-free and unedited. My life and our life was frozen in time in suspended animation like tonic water in a glass filled with ice and vodka.
I forgot to mention that I am also free of opiates and alcohol. I tackled both of those crazies back in January. My senses are still recovering as I rebuild my nerve endings slowly day by day. I am less a prisoner to my surroundings as stimuli rage a less than commendable war on my psyche.
I have recently taken to posting on Instagram and still have yet to return to Facebook. My social media Presence has taken a big hit in the last six weeks. Stephanie and I have slowly risen to partake in the real world. I am retaking my position as a parent and student.
My anorexia did not get lost and I can not claim that I beat it like so much other junk. Prescription drugs were one demon I did conquer but my eating disorder was ravaging throughout my hospital stay and in my first month of recovery. I am strong but it is stronger than I am. I have met my match and unlike the prescription drugs, I do not have a medical intervention that will work on this monster. I am Corey and I am clean but I am still an anorexic........why I wonder can I not get better from it? The medical profession has worked magic on me but is no challenger to my anorexic mindset.
I look in amazement at the sheer strength of my anorexia. It has marched forward since May 2014. Going on three years of this imprisonment and addiction. Yes addiction. I have learnt enough about addictions to know eating disorders are another form of addiction. As I ponder writing more about my concept of Radical Will in anorexic recovery I am bolstered to add to my commentary on addiction.
In the warmth of unseasonably high temperatures I was fast-forwarded to this summer and my weight which I most desperately want to decrease by July. I will be returning to school to in May and will hopefully pick up my anorexia right where I left off.
Pending any radical changes in my life I believe it is safe to think I will be back in my skinny anorexic jeans by August.
Stephanie is dismayed by my attitude however I know it is par for my course and I don't worry at all. Stephanie has seen it enough to know she doesn't want to deal with it again but the reality of my life and Corey is written in the blood and tears of anorexia.
My writing and my work are steeply entrenched in the shadows of the night which anorexia casts on my future and everything I dream and hope to aspire.
My plans in the coming weeks include writing a weekly blog dedicated to anorexia and my life as I live it.
My anorexia blog is going to be called The Cake Is Now and I will write my first post tonight or early tomorrow morning while everyone is still asleep.
The mania that precedes an anorexic burst of weight loss is here and ready for the next round. It goes without notice that even now at 109 pounds I feel heavy and in fact I am 19 pounds heavier than a year ago. Everything is relative but the net gain is tremendous and frightening.
Stephanie and I are heading out for a walk in the dusk of this beautiful day. A four mile walk with my dog, Julia Bleu is before us next.
Have a wonderful night and look for my blog: The Cake is Now.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
No comments:
Post a Comment