It is the early morning and I am wide awake like I just sipped my golden elixir except I really didn't. I realize it is a falsehood to believe I need such a drink to propel my inner beast forward into the next day.
Creeping up on ninety days off of opiates and alcohol is like a hazy and blurry dream-like fissure in my imagination.
Obsession on second thoughts and guessing wear my soul dry in the rain of my existence. I doubt the sanctity of coming clean of all pharmaceuticals.
I awakened at 3:00 am realizing another day was granted to me. It is my work to make sense of life in the moonlight of the early morning.
Stephanie is sound asleep with my puglet, Julia Bleu. I sip a French vanilla latte at my desk in my study. I watch the trains pass on their way to everywhere. I often think and dream if I might, of taking a train to somewhere I have yet to determine. It is good to be back in these early morning hours, my body and mind forbid me to entertain for over six weeks.
This morning I will go to my early morning support group. The meeting starts at 7:30 am but I get their at 6:30 am to set up and make the coffee. Service is a big part of recovery and right now my service to the group is in my daily set up and java making I bequeath to the group. I am the second newest person in recovery, and I will do the coffee until someone else steps up and offers to make it daily. As I approach three months clean, I am grounded in my recovery. I am no longer blinded by the sea of withdrawals. My body and mind are settling, I feel less and less like an alien to myself.
I breath deeply as words are still jagged in my mind. I am not moving as fast or pushing forward in a straight line as I wish.
I am too smart for my own good. Humility reins me in to right size where I can accept my God as I understand Him. Praying does not come easy although I find solace in the act. I am still too new to this life without pills.
Today I make an appointment with my adviser to return to school in May for Summer semester. I am excited and nervous about using my brain in such a manner that I rely on it more than I am comfortable doing.
The hours have passed and I look at the clock in hesitation with the thoughts of a new bright day upon me. People will be infiltrating my quiet safe place I choose to live in. Julia Bleu is snoring on the couch as my fingers dance on the keyboard. I will walk her this morning after my support group meeting. We have already gone to the twenty-four hour store down the street.
I will walk to the support group and assume my duties. I am one day closer in recovery.
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It is Easter Sunday and I have arrived at 90 days clean! Bliss is becoming me. Life without pills feels naked but so good.
I long to write long novellas with my soul on my sleeve.
Today looks to be a marvelous day. Spending this Easter with my daughter and Stephanie. Haven't written much about U-ME but WE are strong and flourishing in a new galaxy we are delighted to star-gaze.
Night brings a new magic without much sleep for this warrior maniac. Happiness oozes from my soul as I take in the early hours of the day in my study with my computer. I am just starting to speak as my fingers pass gingerly with hesitation on the keyboard. I long to sing with my words but I am bound by the awkward unknowing of my best friend; my laptop. We are meeting anew like lovers long separated.
I am pushing through the fog of my thoughts. Everyday I get better and more of me returns. I look forward to the day and the return of Corey.
I am heading to the Triangle Club, the home of support meetings. Today and tomorrow I will receive my ninety day chips of recovery.
Humbled with grace I pray is my station. Stephanie is up and preparing for breakfast. This is the first holiday we will attend at the club. We will not be there long as my daughter awaits me. A day with my family means so much more. I cherish each moment with my daughter and family. Gratitude centers me for the day granted before me.
I have changed, I am chemically altered. Without pills I brave this world one moment at a time.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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