I entered the hospital on March 6th, 2017 for help with the Xanax taper I had been put on by my provider. The action was punitive as a result of me using ten extra Xanax pills to help with opiate withdrawals. I went cold turkey off of opiates in January as most of you already know as a result of being concurrently prescribed opiates and Xanax which come to find out was black-boxed by the FDA in 2016. It specifically bans the concurrent use of opiates and Xanax. My two doctors who shared an office and who both accessed my prescription list were both aware of my concurrent use of Xanax with opiates. I realized today that my pharmacy, Rite Aide was also aware of the concurrent prescribing and never said a word to me about the severity of such prescribing. The pharmacy had before warned me of taking doses that were deemed higher than the FDA approved amount and warned me about another drug and the cardiac and the adverse side-effects panel.
Anyway I found myself in a hole with nowhere to turn. I turned to the hospital and sought medical intervention.
It was deemed appropriate for me to go on a Phenobarbital taper off of Xanax. I went cold turkey off of Xanax with never even a good-bye to my best friend of 12 years. On Monday night after receiving my next dose of Xanax in the Emergency Room I was brought to the Behavioral Health Unit and told to have a seat. Everything seemed like it was going well. I was eventually called over to the medication dispensing window and I cautiously walked over. I wasn't due for my next Xanax and I took my nighttime medication at 8pm so I was perplexed. I got to the window at 5:30pm on Monday March 6th, 2017 and I given my first dose of phenobarbital. I asked about my Xanax with s tightening in my chest and I was told I had taken my last Xanax. Just like that it was gone, from my life forever or at least for right now.
I was dazed and confused but I did like the phenobarbital so I wasn't complaining. I went to bed without any incident as I was told I would be getting phenobarbital every six hours for the time being.
I was given a dose at midnight and woke up wanting something. At six am I was given my next phenobarbital and with that I was okay. Breakfast came and to my surprise, I was given decaffeinated coffee and my Adderall was no longer prescribed. This was some serious hard-core, bad-ass detox!
I righted my sails and adjusted my mindset and continued on with my morning. I was fine except for somewhat moderate discomfort until Thursday morning. Day 3 of my taper things started to get a lot worse. I hit the wall as far as being strung out and out of my mind. Also, my blood pressure began to get dangerously high. The nurses called the doctor for the unit and she increased my blood pressure medication. I had come in on two blood pressure medications to treat uncontrolled blood pressure before I got admitted. It wasn't working and my withdrawals from the Xanax were reaching what I thought were epic proportions. Thursday continued with extremely high blood pressure and no luck by the staff to bring it down. By Thursday night it was decided by Cardiac and Psychiatry that I needed to be admitted to the Cardiac Unit.
I remember being wheeled over to the Cardiac Unit and thinking to myself not so quietly that I was not going back to the Behavioral Health Unit. I got to my room which was a private room with big windows where I could see the stars! I know the stars? Yes, at this point I was truly appreciating the small things in life! A technician came into my room and placed 8 electrodes on various parts of my body. The electrodes were attached to a small device which transmitted cardiac incidents to 6 cardiologists who monitored my heart 24/7. It was 8pm by this point and I was tired and wanted to go to bed. My nurse came in with my nighttime medications which I gratefully took and passed out until the early hours of the morning.
The next few days were challenging at best. I had a multitude of tests run on my heart as well as blood work done daily. I had an echo stress test, an MRI on the vessels in my kidneys, and a CAT scan looking for blockages in my brain. I had hit the black wall and was loosing myself as each moment passed.
At some point my phenobarbital taper got steeper and my doses were cut to every eight hours. I adjusted as quickly as possibly and did no let the walls closing in on me get the better of myself. I had never known anxiety or panic like this in my life. Everything was making my blood pressure rise. I was now on three blood pressure medications with a fourth medication given in my IV for emergencies.
Within a few more days my dosage of phenobarbital got cut to two doses a day. Beside myself in fear and a world dripping in withdrawals my family called a meeting with psychiatry and cardiology. I was crying to my family daily that I was not okay and that my body was breaking. My voice changed to this high pitched stressed out sound and my eyes began to dilate, popping out of my head without blinking. I looked scary and felt scarier. I had this off centered look that only truly crazy people wear.
On Thursday March 165h, I swallowed my last phenobarbital pill. I took a picture of my last tiny white pill. I was then evaluated for the next twenty four hours. It was now that my fear of leaving the safety of the hospital settled into my bones.
On Saturday March 16th, 2017 I was discharged from the hospital and met the real world for the first time in twelve years without Xanax.
This is the beginning of my story from Xanax and other mind altering substances. It is my first time trying to write as all other attempts were met with a futile effort of blankness and writer's block. I plan to get the rest of my story out to bring it to date, and then go back and fill in the psychological gaps.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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