Fear and Faith In My New Recovery

The day I decided to go inpatient for a medical detox from Xanax and Adderall I was enveloped by God's Love and serenity. I don't fancy myself a very religious person but I am quite spiritual.

My first few days in the hospital were okay and I managed for the most part. On day three the panic and fear entered my body and soul as I was tossed into the throws of withdrawals.

I was overcome with panic and fear and  remained in this chaotic and dark space for the next four days. I was talking to a friend one day, and I mentioned that I had lost my way and lost My God.

I immediately told her I needed to go and pray, in order to find my God and restore my Faith. I am not going to make this post  about God as I know most people do not want to be preached to.

I will say in finding Faith I lost fear. This is the litmus test I live by on a daily basis. When I am filled with fear I know I  am without Faith.

I need not focus on God to have Faith. My Faith can be based on anything and quite often than not it is based on something other than God.

I identify as a Christian-Buddhist, but what has changed in my life in my new-found recovery is my use of daily prayer. Prayer is the foundation of my recovery after the physical dependence was addressed. I abstain easily from pharmaceuticals with my use of daily prayer and meditation.  Actually there is nothing easy about recovery, but it more easier than not with the use of daily prayer.

My recovery is nothing short of amazing. I was a chronic user of Xanax for the past twelve years as well as the use of high doses of Adderall for the past six years. The physical dependence of Xanax as well as the seemingly anti-anxiety properties make the pill a dangerous mini-mental mind-fucker.

In my medical detox I was introduced to the panic and fear of withdrawals as well as the physical rebound anxiety of Xanax. On top of these physical manifestations I had the psychological manifestations of drug use for twelve years as well as the emotional dependence and vacuum of coping skills which grew and blossomed in the presence of tiny white pills ingested every few hours.

The addiction is vicious especially with Xanax and I romantically recall refill day of Xanax and the euphoria of picking up 150 2 mg pills every month. Serious emotional dependence was formed with that type of prescribing habit.

I don't like to allow my mind to go to these memories as I instantly miss my best-friend which constantly let me down and disappointed me with never being enough.

I recall getting ninety 30 mg pills of Adderall that I took in between popping the five Xanax pills I ate daily.  I sorely miss the medication cabinet I maintained with the help of doctors who prescribed them.

I truly miss the idea of pills and the false security I gained with the pile of pills I purchased from the pharmacy on a monthly basis.

The world of recovery is in fact a brave new world I am slowly getting accustomed to.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2017