Anorexia plagues me to my inner-most voice of dejection. Crowded thoughts of make believe happiness infiltrate my soul's conscience.
Having just survived the brutal after-effects of prescription detox, my mind wanders quickly to my next and last addiction. Anorexia is a clouded mystery of crippling thoughts; a skewed conscience with deadly consequences.
As I begin year three of this disease I am all to aware of my predisposition for the severe manifestations of this eating disorder. I live in fear of the after effects and revel in the madness of my mind. I am not crazy for being anorexic, I am crazy in spite of it. I look at people and I see them for what they are and not what oblivion makes us want to see or believe. That is one of the silent gifts of anorexia which no one wants to believe.
I am getting ready to return to school. It is the culprit of the ignition of anorexia in my life. Although the disease always laid dormant in my psyche, the centrix of my anorexia is found in my latent conscience. Going back to my late teens and early twenties I see the manifestations of this monster in the web of thought processes I adapted in my everyday life. The seeds of this illness carried forward and flowered as I readied myself to return to the classroom.
Since my detox I have noticed my mind searching and grasping at anything related to weight and body image. I have on top of that a distorted image of time which wrecks havoc on my mind's critical eyes viewing my body.
I am but a month away from returning to school. Already my thoughts are skewed and my obsession with my body is hyper-amped up beyond logical sound.
Stephanie, my fiancée, is very aware and vocal about my tendencies towards the critical and self-loathing I partake in on a daily basis.
She came home last night and asked what I wanted for dinner. I told her I had already eaten a fat-free 100 calorie Greek yogurt. We talked at length about it and decided it would be best for me to return to my eating disorders therapist. I agreed with her that I needed to get ahead of my disease or this time I was going to become my disease.
I don't have much room for error as far as weight loss goes. I have been exercising a lot; walking and doing core exercises. I joined the gym as well. I have plans to return to the gym this weekend, and start running 3-5 miles a day along with doing free weights. I would like to get into the Spartan Obstacle Course Racing or the Tough Mudder Obstacle Course Racing series which I would start racing next Spring. I want to train hard for a solid year and build up my core stamina so I can participate at the high level of fitness I am capable of achieving in less than a year's time.
We bought a new Bullet blender so we can add smoothies to our food intake. Stephanie is not really athletic but she will go to the gym and walk on the treadmill and do core exercises to maintain her weight.
When I return to school in May, I will be able to work out at the fitness center on campus. School unveils many pitfalls in my recovery from anorexia. I wonder what does my life without school look like? Would I be healthier and perhaps over anorexia? I have given this quite a bit of thought, as well as talked to Stephanie at length about the fate of my anorexia. I don't believe after the onset of this disease was brought on by the perfectionism that school gifted me, I would be any less susceptible to the demons of my anorexia if I didn't return to school at this point.
I have set up my new blog called The Cake is Now. It is my blog dedicated to anorexia and includes my struggles eighteen months out since I was last hospitalized at Walden Eating Disorders Hospital.
I will include personal essays regarding my concept of Radical Will as well as the lack of medical paradigms to facilitate the therapeutic alliance between the anorexic patient and their health care professionals.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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