Lately the few times I have written has been about my addiction recovery from pharmaceutical drugs. There are other things going on in my life like my relationship with my fiancée Stephanie and my struggle with anorexia.
U-ME as we are called has had a new twist on things in my new world of recovery. Our entire lives have been uprooted and swiftly replanted in new soil free of alcohol and any pharmaceuticals. We were not big drinkers but enjoyed the occasional celebratory bottle of champagne. Those days are gone for the current moment but we still are living life and enjoying one another as we make our way in Love.
My anorexia has continued to be an addiction I am not free of in any shape or form. Haunted by the ghosts of recent healthy weight gain is a torturous reminder of how sick I remain after years of doing battle with this eating disorder.
U-Me is alive and well as ever. Stephanie and I are living life everyday and making the most out of my new found sobriety. Stephanie continues to work as a dentist as I continue to recover from my pharmaceutical addictions.
We have shelved any long term planning for the time being at my request. Stephanie was initially hurt but now understands the magnitude of my recovery and the fact that we will be spending or lives together. I must just focus on being the best person I can be to myself and to Stephanie right now. We are madly in love however my health and mind require me and us to focus on the smallest things right now as we prepare for the longer term and the plans we share ro make a life together. Nothing has changed about our desires to spend our lives together and settle down with a new house as well as get married.
We will get married first, hopefully sometime later this year when I am fully recovered and back in school as a full time student. Stephanie understands so anyone else who doesn't get it just doesn't know me and how important it is that I be able to be a whole partner to Stephanie and the marriage we hold so dear to our souls. Reciprocity is key to another marriage for me as it was missing from my first marriage and I wont make the same mistake twice.
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I went to bed at 9:00pm and it is midnight now as I just went to the store with my pug to get a large French vanilla latte. Up with crazy hours sounds like the days of old when I was taking the golden elixir made with Adderall and coffee. Gone is the Adderall but the mania returns as the recovery and withdrawals vanish to days gratefully gone by. I couldn't take the withdrawals especially the shakes and tremors which have vanished to nil over the past couple of weeks. Stephane is much relieved as am I I ready to return to school which seems probable now.
It is weird to have a Friday night with Stephanie now and not ever be drinking or sharing a bottle of champagne. Life is new and exciting nonetheless as we acclimate ourselves to normalcy in this brave new world of normal. We are rewriting the book on our normal as we go into the light for the first time in a long time.
Last night was no exception as we had our own version of Friday night here at the house. We shared dinner and watched Netflix. Nothing too crazy but more normal than I have been up for in the past month or so that I have been home from the hospital.
I am enjoying the quiet of the early morning as the world is asleep and my fingers dance across the keyboard. I am ready to assume the nights as my own as the rest of the world sleeps.It has been a long time since I felt so manic, and this time it is all natural and without pills of any sort.
I am looking towards returning to school the middle of May. Less than a month to go and I still need to meet with my advisor and register for classes. I am returning part-time with a twp seminar load which is actually full-time however since I missed this current semester I must make up a couple of seminars to stay on track.
I am looking forward to more time with Stephanie as we ready ourselves for a busy weekend of activities. I will attend a support group meeting at 8:30 am and start my day off right. Later I will be attending an English Tea with Bella, my daughter, and my ex-wife as Stephanie will go to work and we will meet later to get our U-Me weekend going on.
I am happy but not with myself. My anorexia relapsed and that meant a ten pound gain which was much needed and should make me happy right? Nope, my eating disorder kicked right back into high gear and leaves me once again severely restricting and constantly exercising.
I have held off on starting my anorexia blog as I wasn't feeling all that well or healthy. Now I realize more than ever I need to start it and blog regularly as I need the interaction with fellow people who also are battling this crippling disease. My restricting since the ten pound weight gain is severe and drastic. I am myself surprised and saddened in the same breath.
I never thought two years after being hospitalized by this illness I would be blogging about further restrictions of my food intake. My concept of Radical Will needs to be presented to whomever will read it as I hope to gain an injection of Will myself to right my eating and spare my family fallout of yet another round of this active monster.
Corey
BORN THIS WAY-2017
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